Day Forty One
Perpetual mindfulness is going mildly better than sitting Practice.
At least, it feels easier because I used to not try at all, and so going from 0 to 20 feels like you're making much better progress than trying from 60 to 65. Or like how people lose a lot of weight in the beginning, and then get discouraged when it tapers off.
A few things today:
* embracing the duthanga of being open to people shouldn't be an endurance contest -- to see how long you can stand an unwanted conversation with someone that is keeping you from where you want to go. But maybe it can start off that way? That's how most people's sitting Practice starts - an endurance contest - even if it was only for ten minutes. A reminder to self that it is about generosity and kindness, and not being stingy with your time....
*the reason you think that virtually everything you do is a waste of time unless it looks or sounds like it can be recorded in an essay for the back of Martha Stewart's Living, or a shot from Lands' End, or an editorial piece on NPR, is because -- after all these years and attempts at re-conditioning -- you still are looking at yourself from the outside. It started with Anh Vy~, going to the mall, wanting party invites, wanting to be cool, or pretty, or have nice things, or have a family with a kitchen with wooden cabinets and to be able to put a tent in the backyard or climb a tree, or go rollerskating, or hearing other children after a long weekend talk about going to a farm or visiting their grandmother; the eighties neon pink sign of diners and burgers, being kept in the house, with the same old books and no one allowed to come over, all those mounds of sewing and work and exhaustion.
Also, She is obsessed with time maximization. Doing the most amount of things in the shortest amount of time. But look at her -- where is she? Where do you want to be? If there's a moment in time you don't know what to do with, put it in your body.
*wanting to be in meditation, and then all the erupting contingencies that arise with either: ~getting to meditate, ~not getting to meditate, ~ meditating but having it be "low-quality", ~meditating but having it be short --- Folks, this is all greed.
Dipa Ma, I think, called it the Blessed Attachment, and other teachers too, have given it monikers to distinguish it from your run-of-the-mill sex/food/sleep/Tiffany's greed, but friends, if a persyn learns nothing from Dhamma study, she'll still learn that attachment leads to suffering -- and ostensibly, that'd apply whether it was First-Class Attachment, or Coach. I've said before in this blog, so pardon the repetition, but sometimes - as The Buddha must have certainly realized -- things need to be said over and over because some people are too thick. And didn't get it on the first, or fifth hearing.
*I think I'm going to go home and do long sittings with her. I think she might be close to something, or else, she's at a place where she needs a shot in the arm to get moving. If she weren't sick, the 3 mo at IMS would have been perfect - but if I recall correctly, that's when all these respiratory problems were started last year. No matter. People have been achieving long before and without IMS just fine -- let's see what happens.
My intention for today is to be productive and not suffer so much from what's been done, what hasn't been done, what needs to be done. My intention for today, and ideally for going forward, keeping my mind in the present moment.
At least, it feels easier because I used to not try at all, and so going from 0 to 20 feels like you're making much better progress than trying from 60 to 65. Or like how people lose a lot of weight in the beginning, and then get discouraged when it tapers off.
A few things today:
* embracing the duthanga of being open to people shouldn't be an endurance contest -- to see how long you can stand an unwanted conversation with someone that is keeping you from where you want to go. But maybe it can start off that way? That's how most people's sitting Practice starts - an endurance contest - even if it was only for ten minutes. A reminder to self that it is about generosity and kindness, and not being stingy with your time....
*the reason you think that virtually everything you do is a waste of time unless it looks or sounds like it can be recorded in an essay for the back of Martha Stewart's Living, or a shot from Lands' End, or an editorial piece on NPR, is because -- after all these years and attempts at re-conditioning -- you still are looking at yourself from the outside. It started with Anh Vy~, going to the mall, wanting party invites, wanting to be cool, or pretty, or have nice things, or have a family with a kitchen with wooden cabinets and to be able to put a tent in the backyard or climb a tree, or go rollerskating, or hearing other children after a long weekend talk about going to a farm or visiting their grandmother; the eighties neon pink sign of diners and burgers, being kept in the house, with the same old books and no one allowed to come over, all those mounds of sewing and work and exhaustion.
Also, She is obsessed with time maximization. Doing the most amount of things in the shortest amount of time. But look at her -- where is she? Where do you want to be? If there's a moment in time you don't know what to do with, put it in your body.
*wanting to be in meditation, and then all the erupting contingencies that arise with either: ~getting to meditate, ~not getting to meditate, ~ meditating but having it be "low-quality", ~meditating but having it be short --- Folks, this is all greed.
Dipa Ma, I think, called it the Blessed Attachment, and other teachers too, have given it monikers to distinguish it from your run-of-the-mill sex/food/sleep/Tiffany's greed, but friends, if a persyn learns nothing from Dhamma study, she'll still learn that attachment leads to suffering -- and ostensibly, that'd apply whether it was First-Class Attachment, or Coach. I've said before in this blog, so pardon the repetition, but sometimes - as The Buddha must have certainly realized -- things need to be said over and over because some people are too thick. And didn't get it on the first, or fifth hearing.
The mind would rather wallow, indulging in regret about mindfulness that didn't happen instead of being mindful right now. It's much more fun and interesting to do.
*I think I'm going to go home and do long sittings with her. I think she might be close to something, or else, she's at a place where she needs a shot in the arm to get moving. If she weren't sick, the 3 mo at IMS would have been perfect - but if I recall correctly, that's when all these respiratory problems were started last year. No matter. People have been achieving long before and without IMS just fine -- let's see what happens.
My intention for today is to be productive and not suffer so much from what's been done, what hasn't been done, what needs to be done. My intention for today, and ideally for going forward, keeping my mind in the present moment.
"What's wrong with the present moment?"
"Why do you need to get anywhere? The only place you need to go is here."
---Bh. Rahula
Yikes.
posted by 26 at 10:54 AM
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