Day Twenty-Three
*Got angry today again at C (HR), and got I onto phone to vent. Even she thought I was being a bit much…then I asked – ‘Do you think I’m annoyed because somebody interrupted my lunch to send me out into the rain and get theirs?’ She laughed, and said, ‘mmm..yeah.” I had to laugh too.
*Got mad at J as well (do they work in tandem?), but held my tongue and merely looked annoyed. He called to apologize. I said furiously, ‘I don’t want you to be sorry! I want you to be good!’ and explained to him that I left the eyes in his head because Mars was in retrograde – that it wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t alone, there was something wrong with hundreds of men, but they all need to put a cap on it.
*Got mad at P a lot. Again and again.
*Last night, I couldn’t help thinking after Practice that, how nice it felt to feel obligated to do less, and hence, I was able to have a Practice of More. And that we were always making lists and action plans to do more, but never to do less. I hereby make a resolution to do less.
* In perfect timing, I call Her today, and we talk about Thanksgiving. The conversation gets subtly high-pressure fast. ‘Are you coming home Wednesday?’ (I’m still in the office Wednesday. We were given an ‘unofficial’ half day yesterday, but she didn’t know that.) I say no. ‘Are you coming home Thursday?’ (If I’d had invitations, they’d be on Thursday. Not to mention everyone and their mom would be traveling Thursday.) I say I’m not sure. Broke a precept, but at the time, I really wasn’t sure. ‘Thursday night or Friday morning?’ I repeat I wasn’t sure. ‘Well, if you were coming on Friday, it’d be Friday morning, right? There’s no point coming home Friday night.’ I once again repeat that I wasn’t sure. A new function for cells should be that you make a voice recording that can be accessed and played into the phone at will.
She talks about going over to M’s house. It’s his son J’s birthday. I don’t want to go; I have no desire to see them. She says I don’t have to go if I don’t want, and I get annoyed that they’re going on Saturday. I’ll be stranded in L., whereas I could be in NYC doing more work. (Akin to what Bh. R calls the “neurotic push toward the future,” except my Attachment is called “neurotic need to maximize.” For me, it largely pertains to time, but it could be easily about material goods or learning or whatever.)
When she tells me that I don’t have to go if I don’t want to, she adds, ‘Okay, stay home and Practice.’ I hate that. Always maximizing time, always pushing people to be doing something. Even the zeal to meditate is from a greed to be Doing Something. I realize this when she pushes meditation on me as Something To Do. Hate that – would turn anyone from Practicing. But I realize I have that same problem. That I may have gotten it from her. But statute of limitations has run out on childhood accountability. My job now is really to just see that for what it is, and unlearn it.
In fact, I’m doing this blog even now to be Doing Something.
I say, “I’ll see who’s around and free to hang.” She correctly names a childhood friend who now permanently resides in L., “L.?” I get annoyed that she’s right, and also that she’s not listening. I repeat, “I’ll see who’s around and free to hang.” She tries a different tack. ‘You really should go to M.’s house.’
*Got mad at J as well (do they work in tandem?), but held my tongue and merely looked annoyed. He called to apologize. I said furiously, ‘I don’t want you to be sorry! I want you to be good!’ and explained to him that I left the eyes in his head because Mars was in retrograde – that it wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t alone, there was something wrong with hundreds of men, but they all need to put a cap on it.
*Got mad at P a lot. Again and again.
*Last night, I couldn’t help thinking after Practice that, how nice it felt to feel obligated to do less, and hence, I was able to have a Practice of More. And that we were always making lists and action plans to do more, but never to do less. I hereby make a resolution to do less.
* In perfect timing, I call Her today, and we talk about Thanksgiving. The conversation gets subtly high-pressure fast. ‘Are you coming home Wednesday?’ (I’m still in the office Wednesday. We were given an ‘unofficial’ half day yesterday, but she didn’t know that.) I say no. ‘Are you coming home Thursday?’ (If I’d had invitations, they’d be on Thursday. Not to mention everyone and their mom would be traveling Thursday.) I say I’m not sure. Broke a precept, but at the time, I really wasn’t sure. ‘Thursday night or Friday morning?’ I repeat I wasn’t sure. ‘Well, if you were coming on Friday, it’d be Friday morning, right? There’s no point coming home Friday night.’ I once again repeat that I wasn’t sure. A new function for cells should be that you make a voice recording that can be accessed and played into the phone at will.
She talks about going over to M’s house. It’s his son J’s birthday. I don’t want to go; I have no desire to see them. She says I don’t have to go if I don’t want, and I get annoyed that they’re going on Saturday. I’ll be stranded in L., whereas I could be in NYC doing more work. (Akin to what Bh. R calls the “neurotic push toward the future,” except my Attachment is called “neurotic need to maximize.” For me, it largely pertains to time, but it could be easily about material goods or learning or whatever.)
When she tells me that I don’t have to go if I don’t want to, she adds, ‘Okay, stay home and Practice.’ I hate that. Always maximizing time, always pushing people to be doing something. Even the zeal to meditate is from a greed to be Doing Something. I realize this when she pushes meditation on me as Something To Do. Hate that – would turn anyone from Practicing. But I realize I have that same problem. That I may have gotten it from her. But statute of limitations has run out on childhood accountability. My job now is really to just see that for what it is, and unlearn it.
In fact, I’m doing this blog even now to be Doing Something.
I say, “I’ll see who’s around and free to hang.” She correctly names a childhood friend who now permanently resides in L., “L.?” I get annoyed that she’s right, and also that she’s not listening. I repeat, “I’ll see who’s around and free to hang.” She tries a different tack. ‘You really should go to M.’s house.’
posted by 26 at 7:00 PM
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