Day Thirty Nine
The last few days have been strained and frustrating days - lots of tension between body and mind. THe body gets gerthenhert, the mind wants it too. THe tightness and itchines of dry, cold days. Makes the mind tight and itchy. Easily irritated, irascible, hypersensitive. So I keep on moisturizing, drinking water, filling the humidifier, putting in eye drops, reapplying lip balm to keep the body fresh and dewy. In hopes of keeping the mind fresh and dewy.
Interestingly, sitting meditation, when I work through the Twilight hour irritation well enough to hit it when it's fresh, and yet free of typical Twilight tension, is going nicely. Bloated today, and that was an interesting source of engagement. Menstrual-like nhoi' vibrations in usual menstrualish area, except it's either gas or odd bloating. In any event, I alway enjoy some mild abdominal discomfort -- I get it so often that it's become an interesting object.
Have yet to deal with the esophogeal paralysis and tightness with the same curiousity and equanimity.
Realizing increasingly that smoking was a way for me to postpone exhaustion that was going to come anyway. Fred said, You don't have a lot of energy. I asked why petulantly. He replied in typical Fred mode: It doesn't matter why. 'Why don't I have a million dollars?' The point is to figure out how to work with what you do and don't have.
I've been thinking about writing a treatise or a memoir about smoking. About what it meant to me, about how and why I loved it so much, how smoking would be different now. About why I want to smoke still, or think i do. The honest truth is that it's a cop-out to pretend it's all nicotine. Really -- it's Day 42 of Non-smoking. How could I possibly still be craving nicotine -- I'm not. It rises and falls with astonishing rapidity. The kegels forced me to look at the truth of many situations I'm in -- I'm bored; I don't want to do something I have to; I'm tired and I'm kept, by a circumstance or a persyn, to take rest; I'm uncomfortable with a conversation; I'm growing angry; I'm feeling ill; I'm reading about a subject I don't understand; I'm reading about a subject I don't understand and think I should understand; I'm reading about a subject I don't understand written very badly by someone I think has written decently just because it's in print; someone says something socially or politically offensive; someone is prettier than I am; someone implies they or someone else is prettier than I am; someone is smarter or more interesting, or funnier, or more well-traveled, or more sophisticated, or more urbane, or better educated, or more well-read than I am; if someone doesn't mention me on their blog after I thought I'd had a significant and meaningful experience with them; if I'm hosting or hustling for an event and no one shows up, or people flake out after they say they'll show; if we need to start discussing the intricacies of Abhidhamma theory; if I start to fall in love with you; if I am studying a new language; if I need to take political action or defend or define my political views; if I have to explain race politics; if I am offended; if I am offending; if I need to discuss current events, their socio/economic/political implications; if I see a hat/scarf/purse/ugg boots/hair clip/bracelet/faux malachite retro-ish sparkly floral brooch that I want and can't afford/ won't give to myself in order to renounce; if I need to remember things about Tolkien; if I'm running/swimming/doing yoga/ice skating; if I'm playing table tennis; if I'm in a hotel room; if I'm on a beach; if I'm writing; if I'm having sex; if I'm travelling - domestic or international; if I'm watching Casablanca or Reality Bites; if I'm ----
basically, living any life of a sentient and conscious being who suffers and experiences pleasure and pain -- I will want to smoke.
Night, boys and girls.
Interestingly, sitting meditation, when I work through the Twilight hour irritation well enough to hit it when it's fresh, and yet free of typical Twilight tension, is going nicely. Bloated today, and that was an interesting source of engagement. Menstrual-like nhoi' vibrations in usual menstrualish area, except it's either gas or odd bloating. In any event, I alway enjoy some mild abdominal discomfort -- I get it so often that it's become an interesting object.
Have yet to deal with the esophogeal paralysis and tightness with the same curiousity and equanimity.
Realizing increasingly that smoking was a way for me to postpone exhaustion that was going to come anyway. Fred said, You don't have a lot of energy. I asked why petulantly. He replied in typical Fred mode: It doesn't matter why. 'Why don't I have a million dollars?' The point is to figure out how to work with what you do and don't have.
I've been thinking about writing a treatise or a memoir about smoking. About what it meant to me, about how and why I loved it so much, how smoking would be different now. About why I want to smoke still, or think i do. The honest truth is that it's a cop-out to pretend it's all nicotine. Really -- it's Day 42 of Non-smoking. How could I possibly still be craving nicotine -- I'm not. It rises and falls with astonishing rapidity. The kegels forced me to look at the truth of many situations I'm in -- I'm bored; I don't want to do something I have to; I'm tired and I'm kept, by a circumstance or a persyn, to take rest; I'm uncomfortable with a conversation; I'm growing angry; I'm feeling ill; I'm reading about a subject I don't understand; I'm reading about a subject I don't understand and think I should understand; I'm reading about a subject I don't understand written very badly by someone I think has written decently just because it's in print; someone says something socially or politically offensive; someone is prettier than I am; someone implies they or someone else is prettier than I am; someone is smarter or more interesting, or funnier, or more well-traveled, or more sophisticated, or more urbane, or better educated, or more well-read than I am; if someone doesn't mention me on their blog after I thought I'd had a significant and meaningful experience with them; if I'm hosting or hustling for an event and no one shows up, or people flake out after they say they'll show; if we need to start discussing the intricacies of Abhidhamma theory; if I start to fall in love with you; if I am studying a new language; if I need to take political action or defend or define my political views; if I have to explain race politics; if I am offended; if I am offending; if I need to discuss current events, their socio/economic/political implications; if I see a hat/scarf/purse/ugg boots/hair clip/bracelet/faux malachite retro-ish sparkly floral brooch that I want and can't afford/ won't give to myself in order to renounce; if I need to remember things about Tolkien; if I'm running/swimming/doing yoga/ice skating; if I'm playing table tennis; if I'm in a hotel room; if I'm on a beach; if I'm writing; if I'm having sex; if I'm travelling - domestic or international; if I'm watching Casablanca or Reality Bites; if I'm ----
basically, living any life of a sentient and conscious being who suffers and experiences pleasure and pain -- I will want to smoke.
Night, boys and girls.
posted by 26 at 12:30 AM
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