** NOT SMOKING** | JAN 4 = DAY 68
12/22/05: Yesterday, the agita was so bad that my soul felt tired and angry and nasty and ready to give up living. Went to Noodle on 28 with K, had mild agita afterward, but the long transit-strike walk home did me a great deal of good to blow off steam. Truly better than the gym. But not as good as the pool or Bikram. Mad at I., at P., at a racist atrocity in the street, and of course, as usual - at K. Lots of scrunchy tension in the chest...bronchi or top lobes of my lungs?
12/19/05: I think I might have some respiratory or pulmonary problems. Perhaps slight or latent asthma. Starting to remember some of these symptoms from before I started smoking -- they accompanied tension, but sometimes from just sitting around or wakign up & not getting acclimated to being up. Or being kept awake to work.
12/14/05: K was such an ass last night. After a popcorning, robust day at the office, (though P was a gracious sweetheart, albeit frazzled) - walked home in the nice, frigid winter (papers said - felt like 12 - but I thought it was lovely. It almost broke Day 46, but I just sat up and watched the tension unfurling in my chest.
12/7/05: Dryness overwhelming. Lung paralysis. Tired, but irritated. Couldn't do work. Couldn't play. Couldn't make decisions. Wanted a smoke so bad, to help transition. To wash things off -- to break through from a stiff, shelled, crustedness to some freshness, freedom, clarity. Boldness, assurance and vivacity - like our Single Girl Week. An open-range space to move, experience, nail things down. Remembered that it was just that morning, that very afternoon, I'd been so sleltsy, so tender, so full of love. And here - an impatient, petulant, demanding, emotional bitch. Itchy skin, dry eyes, tight lung, clenched chest. Shoulders rounding in, pressure on esophagus. Kegels like crazy.
11/19/05: Milestone: Went to a party, had to chat up new people, imbibing alcohol, was sleepy, but no smoke. Helped that it was CC's party, and not one of K's Irish lad shindigs.
Day 21 will match longest record I've ever gone. Day 22 will be the record breaker. Day 22 will be a triumph over self-indulgence of sense pleasures, instant gratification, and a belief in my own weaknesses & limitations of spirit.
12/19/05: I think I might have some respiratory or pulmonary problems. Perhaps slight or latent asthma. Starting to remember some of these symptoms from before I started smoking -- they accompanied tension, but sometimes from just sitting around or wakign up & not getting acclimated to being up. Or being kept awake to work.
12/14/05: K was such an ass last night. After a popcorning, robust day at the office, (though P was a gracious sweetheart, albeit frazzled) - walked home in the nice, frigid winter (papers said - felt like 12 - but I thought it was lovely. It almost broke Day 46, but I just sat up and watched the tension unfurling in my chest.
12/7/05: Dryness overwhelming. Lung paralysis. Tired, but irritated. Couldn't do work. Couldn't play. Couldn't make decisions. Wanted a smoke so bad, to help transition. To wash things off -- to break through from a stiff, shelled, crustedness to some freshness, freedom, clarity. Boldness, assurance and vivacity - like our Single Girl Week. An open-range space to move, experience, nail things down. Remembered that it was just that morning, that very afternoon, I'd been so sleltsy, so tender, so full of love. And here - an impatient, petulant, demanding, emotional bitch. Itchy skin, dry eyes, tight lung, clenched chest. Shoulders rounding in, pressure on esophagus. Kegels like crazy.
11/19/05: Milestone: Went to a party, had to chat up new people, imbibing alcohol, was sleepy, but no smoke. Helped that it was CC's party, and not one of K's Irish lad shindigs.
Day 21 will match longest record I've ever gone. Day 22 will be the record breaker. Day 22 will be a triumph over self-indulgence of sense pleasures, instant gratification, and a belief in my own weaknesses & limitations of spirit.
posted by 26 at 9:42 AM
0 comments
