~~ SMOKING ~~ | Last Up'd 11/15/05 : 4 PM

11/29/05: Stress makes me do Kegels. This started at the monastery. You can channel all your nervous or irritable energies there, and look cool. No twitching knees, twiddling hands,

11/15/05
5:03 PM: It was merely lactose intolerance. Blue cheese, ranch dressing, cream in coffee, AM cream cheese, and then PM cream cheese. I often mistake lactose intolerance reactions as nicotine jonesin'. OK, the crisis has passed. Back to our regularly scheduled progarm.

4:16 PM: Back again! Still head-tired. Maybe just need to walk away. Or use this to look at suffering inside of needing to change - of not being able to be with what's happening in the moment. Of just watching it, and also being with the fact of needing to do my job.

11/15/05: 4PM: Tight lungs. Tense at work. Can't get focused at work. Got a kind admonishment from MP, who had the greatest virtue among my friends about Ch. No excuses now. Tired in the head - like a post-swimming/workout afternoon tired. Not going out fr the office today.

Want one b/c we didn't eat a lot, digestive sys is funny, sleepy, and have been drinking coffee today. Dry in the eyes. As we write, tiredness intensifies. Today's a sleltsy tired day. Not quite pure sleltsiness, I suppose. Sort of like cozy sleltsy fatigue. Craving has passed. Hungry & tired. :) And glad I didn't give in.

DAY SIXTEEN

At Bh. Dhirapanno's suggestion, I've been reading about Ajahn Boowa. Started in those two wonderful group interviews - where I was inspired to a) start doing all-night Practice vigils, b) being more Generous, esp. in monastic settings.

Jack Kornfield's Living Buddhist Masters is excellent. (Through this blog, I will largely minimize the lay & Western writers I recommend. Trying myself to focus on the Canon, and divergences from the Canon need to be excellent ones. ) But love JK's book, as it is a very detailed discussion of about a dozen Theravadan high-rolling master teachers, and nuts-and-bolts investigations into what they touch and how a persyn practices in under their tutelage. JK lets the instructions speak for themselves, and letting out the voice of each respective teacher in the discussion on their practice, but also does good work comparing these practices, and discussing the disparities.

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Was livid with I. last night. She was being particularly annoying.

Was annoyed with LS just now. Was livid with JC & C fr HR last week. Annoyed by and with GP. Even was annoyed with MP!

I'm not going to try to stop; I'm going to try to watch and listen. Just keep noting, and noting and noting.

Went to a bar. Definitely crossed over into heedlessness & broke 5th Precept, no matter how subtle. (I could have walked backwards reciting the Pali alphabet while snapping my fingers, but was still made cross by the alcohol in a way that wouldn't have happened in its absence.) No more. Still drink, but slow, slow, slow.

Need to work with my anger. Just watch the emotions in the body. The emotions' rise and fall. One of my duthangas.

Didn't smoke. Went home and had Movement Paralysis, which is when we're afraid of moving from one state to another. We think it's easier when we have a cigarette to break up the tension. It's greed - an attachment to what we're already doing. That's why I'm late all the time - even when I'm in something I don't like. An attachment to the present, which is actually an attachment to the past.

Read the NYT, read LVM. Didn't get to practice.

Fred says, "You're already in the Practice. You just now need to figure out the hard parts."
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Working is Practice. Even updating this blog about Practice instead of doing my job is part of Practice. Avoiding my job is part of the Practice, if I am bold and honest enough to look at it for what it is.

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Wish I could practice more this week. Harry Potter festivities becoming more of a burden than a joyousness, but it'll change once we're in it....

DAY SIXTEEN: Duthanga List

Kipsey Mipsey's List of Duthanga

Current

• Smoking
• Waking Early
• Physical Manifestations of Emotions
• Practice & Blog

New

• Renouncing Vanity: Mirrors Trendy Clothes, Accessories Male Acquistional Attention Female Gravitational Attention
• Renunciation: Cut down on sweet, dark drinks: coffee, tea, hot chocolate
• Renunciation: Cut down on skin sensuous things: laying on rugs fluffy, fuzzy towels scarves sheets soaps
• Total Paycheck Dispersion - Only $200 in bank at any time after First Dash
• Give away everything you don't need
• Keep cultivating Generosity & Kindness - even if only in safe and non-threatening places at first
• Proper Conduct in Speech
• Be early or on time - EVERYWHERE
• Puja, or at least taking your precepts every day
• Start doing Full-Day Weekend Practices and all-night sittings

Not Duthanga - Just Goals

• Be Nice to Anh Hien's family, and take care to read and teach
• READ!
• Check out the Vihara in Queens
• Get ready for the long retreat you want to do in at least two years from now. Prepare in practice and in finances.

That's quite enough. Practice Till Perfect. Repeat.

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Ten Duthanga Disciplines:

5 Cutting <>

5 Growing<>

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Not new duthanga practices, just addenda.

To #6: Be Generous with Time, Energy and Persynal Space. Discovered I am very stingy about sharing my time and persynal energy in interacting with people -- even those whom i love. Esp. those whom I love. When i am cranky that they called, that they want me to hang out, or when people at the office want to make small chat.

To #8: Let go of what you're in. Especially if you Can, if it's Appropriate, or if it's All Done. I find myself attached to what I'm doing - whether pleasant or unpleasant. Unless it's extremely unpleasant, like running on the treadmill. Otherwise, very hard to leave where you are. Neurotic Attachment to Time Maximization. Almost like, You're already here and doing it; might as well make it worth it. Worth it meaning either Completely Done and Satisfactory, like a chore, or Worth It, like I was having a nice sensual experience - having a cup of hot chocolate on the window seat with my throw like a Lands' End photoshoot - and it needs to end The Right Way. Need to let go of ideas of THe Right Way. The Beautiful Way. The Way that belongs in E.M.Forster or George Eliot.